


A Silent Thing

by QuickSilverFox3



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Episode: The Search For Grog, Gen, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 08:34:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18735436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuickSilverFox3/pseuds/QuickSilverFox3
Summary: Gilmore had always known this day would come, and yet when it did he wasn't prepared in the slightest.





	A Silent Thing

“Where’s the- where’s the pretty one?”  
He knows. He’s always known it would end like this.

Gilmore felt his spine straighten, muscles locking into place even as every nerve screamed at him to run away, to hide. If he didn’t know, then it hadn’t happened, he could deny and be content in the lack of knowledge.

“I’m right here,” Scanlan joked, voice tight, his chuckle unsteady.  
He couldn’t do this. Not after everything else, after the death and destruction, not this, not _him_.

“I’m so sorry Shaun.”  
No. No. No, no, no, no.  
Gilmore felt his heart shatter.

_“Shaun! It was an honour knowing you.”_

_“It’ll be an honour knowing you all still.”_

 

Had he known, had Vax somehow known that this was one fight he wouldn’t be walking away from? It seemed impossible and yet…

 

╳°»｡ ∾･⁙･ ღ ➵ ⁘ ➵ ღ ･⁙･∾ ｡«°╳

 

Gilmore could remember when he first met Vox Machina, this strange group standing in the middle of his shop with a proposition and blood on their boots. Vex’s venom had been tempered over the years they had known each other, familiarity blunting the rough edges as they conducted their strange dance, one of taking and neither giving until an unhappy middle could be reached. Confidence she hadn’t earned was what Shaun had been confronted with on that first meeting, that and a bear he hadn’t been expecting to see at all. Gilmore had swooped in, all glittering and glorious, at the first hint of Sherri beginning to reach a new level of deadpan, armed with the smile that had felled a thousand potential customers before her.

And Gilmore had met _him._

He almost hadn’t noticed him at first, attention fixed on the demanding half elf in front of him and the Goliath rummaging around his shelves, but one flicker of movement had caught Gilmore’s eye.  
His first thought that the half elven woman was playing some sort of trick on him, a previously unnoticed duplicity spell. But then the man shifted once more, the light from the various floating orbs illuminating his face and Shaun was struck by the sheer beauty of his face, all angular cheekbones and dark striking eyes when he glanced Gilmore’s way.

“Oh hello,” Gilmore purred, sensing the woman stop, thrown momentarily as she glanced between this man who must’ve been her brother and her new rival in financial transactions.  The man just looked at Gilmore, eyes roaming over him in a way that would have been strange except for the uncertainty in the way the man fidgeted with the edge of his coat, the edges frayed and threads spilling loose. His gaze met Gilmore’s and a smile spread across the strange man’s face, all barely concealed danger and about two teeth away from a snarl. Gilmore decided he was in love, between one heartbeat and the next.

“Hello,” the man replied, seeming almost fragile in those precious few seconds despite his blood splattered armour and the daggers gleaming at his hip. There were many eyes upon Gilmore now: Sherri behind the counter, knuckles turning white on the emergency trigger for the glyph carved on the underside of the floorboards; the pale human man with the impossible long name, eyes gleaming like silver and scars peeking out beneath his collar; the tall red haired half elven woman with antlers almost scraping his ceiling, fidgeting nervously with her staff, her shoulders hunched and head bowed.  
“And what is your name love? I don’t believe your charming sister has introduced us,” Gilmore asked, bending into a polite bow, marred by the fact his gaze never left the man, a grin that could definitely be described as wicked slipping across his face.

Shaun could see the affront flash across her, what was her name… Vex’ahlia’s, face, the way her grip tightened on her bow and her lip curled. This was turning out to be quite the eventful morning. The man was so pretty when he blushed, the tips of his ears tinging pink.  
“Vax’ildan,” he said, inclining his head as he shot a quick glance at his sister, one eyebrow raising as Gilmore fought back laughter. It was sweet. Vax was a delight, clearly younger than himself and so unsure despite his battle prowess.  
“Ah matching names,” Shaun laughed, clapping his hands together, sparks dancing along his fingertips almost automatically.

“If we can return to the deal,” Vex interjected, face stony, eyes like daggers in Gilmore’s back.  
“I’d much rather deal with your adorable brother my dear,” Gilmore countered, sensing Sherri’s grip grow ever so tighter on the trigger.  
“I don’t have any plans after this. Does that work for you?”

There was a resounding silence as the group shifted in unison to stare at Vax, the hush broken by the gnome overbalancing and letting out a shriek as he fell to the ground, a strangely musical crash echoing several seconds after the impact.  
“Ah, darling, that would be wonderful,” Shaun said, delighting in the way Vex’ahlia’s head twitched between the two, hunter’s instincts turned on their head.  
“Now I believe you were saying something about sponsorship Vex’ahlia,” Gilmore said to her smoothly, sending one last wink to Vax to see the blush slip across his cheeks once more with the added benefit of causing Vex’ahlia to growl once more, sounding almost as much of an animal as her bear.

 

╳°»｡ ∾･⁙･ ღ ➵ ⁘ ➵ ღ ･⁙･∾ ｡«°╳

 

He’d known right there it wouldn’t last. Shaun had seen the shy way Keyleth looked at Vax when he wasn’t looking, and the tentative looks Vax sent to her, able to hold her gaze for longer and longer periods of time as the years progressed. But his treacherous heart longed to be the one Vax came home too, to be the only one his heart yearned for. He always known Vax would leave him, but not like this, never like this.

Vex’s eyes shone with unshed tears, her face so much like Vax’s that it twisted the knife deeper into Shaun’s heart. He stretched his hands out blindly, vision blurring, tears rolling down his cheeks, and grasped her hands in his. For a second, he was holding Vax’ildan’s hands one last time. And yet, the callouses were different, she felt different to Shaun, there was a yawning expanse in his soul that needed time to heal. Slender arms wrapped around his shoulders, Keyleth hugging him from behind as Vex stepped closer, Shaun’s ribs creaking from both women’s embrace even as more bodies joined the crush, united in their grief.

“After this, we will drink and reminisce,” Shaun said, his voice tight, cheeks wet. It felt wrong to cry in front of Vex, in front of the group who had a greater right to this terrifying grief. So, Shaun pushed it down, bundled up all those emotions far down in the recesses of his chest. Vox Machina could grieve loudly and openly, Vax is- was their companion, their brother, their love. It was only right for them to carry it like his own markings on their skin, even now they left a space for Vax to fill, bodies unused to the absence of him. That wasn't possible for Shaun. It felt too much like an intrusion, regardless of how much they would deny it, would welcome him into their grief. But not now, it was too much, too soon.

"That'd be nice," Vex said, squeezing his hands a final time, surprising Gilmore, as it always did, with the sheer raw strength they- she carried.  
They had a job to do, as did he. There was no time to let the scream bubbling in his chest out, no time to lose himself in his own ocean of grief, to let the feelings consume him until there was no hope of return. He was Shaun Gilmore, former proprietor of Gilmore's Glorious Goods, backer of Vox Machina and a Runechild. He would put on a show to the world, maintain this facade for as long as required and break silently in privacy.  
"I look forward to it," Gilmore said, his smile a touch wider than usual, his magic almost burning him as he cast Prestidigitation. He bowed mechanically, going through the motions by sheer habit rather than any conscious thought and turned away, back towards the group of children, their eyes wide and mouths agape. Gilmore would survive this, he had survived so much already and yet a part of him was already dead, a small silent thing not missed until it was gone forever.

 

He had always known one of them would outlive the other, but he had always imagined dying before Vax. In his more maudlin moments, when his bed was cold and empty, sleep dancing just out of reach and wine warmed his belly, Shaun even imagined it. A glorious spectacle when he was old, grey and retired. He was only human after all. In his deepest dreams, Vax was there, at his side, Gilmore's ring on his finger. He would be older, akin to Gilmore's age currently, with the first threads of silver winding through his raven hair; perhaps with a few wrinkles beginning to gather at the corners of his eyes. His chest seized when the realisation sunk in, marring the pleasant daydream, his mind twisting away reflexively but it was too late. He would never know how Vax would age, he would never see the man again or hear his voice or feel his touch. Vax was dead, lost to Gilmore in a realm he could not follow him to. Gilmore shoved down the low keen in his throat, feeling his very being begin to fray and wilt, a storm brewing within.

Sherri appeared in front of him, almost as if he had summoned her, her mouth moving frantically and yet Gilmore couldn't hear any noise, the entire world muffled and hushed. She wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders and his face burrowed into the crook of her shoulder. Everything was darkness and pain, Shaun clinging to Sherri as his knees buckled, a low keen escaping from his mouth. Pushing back the tide seemed almost impossible, a gargantuan feat that threatened to overwhelm him, and yet ever so slowly, inch by inch, Shaun regained control.  
"Anything I can do boss?" Sherri asked, the children clumped together in the centre, gazes transfixed by the slowly sweeping lights and thankfully unaware of the razor edge Gilmore had balanced himself upon.  
"Keep me steady?" he asked her, Prestidigitation burning across his face once more, her eyes widening as the power shot through her shoulder.  
"Always boss," she said, wrapping an arm around his waist, part comfort and part support as Gilmore turned his gaze towards the children, the noon sun beating down overhead.

 

He could do this; Vax would want him to do this. Head up, back straight, magic dancing at his fingertips and dying silently inside. He would do this for Vax, even as it killed him inside.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! This little fic was rattling roung in my head ever since I saw a clip from The Search From Grog and I just had to write it from Gilmore's perspective. I apologise if I got anything massively wrong as I haven't finished the first season yet ^^


End file.
